The Gopher Mocks Me

For the past year, my backyard has had a Gopher which undoubtedly has turned into the Gopher and it's offspring, which has continued to tunnel and tear up my yard. We've shoved the hose down countless of fresh holes (One time even managing to get it stuck four feet in the ground. Intelligent fucking rodent). We've shoved poison down its holes. We've sat outside with BB and pellet guns, waiting for it to rear it's small little rodent head out of one of its many holes. I've even sprayed the entire backyard with weed killer in order to try to deter it, kill it, make it go away.

It won't leave. It won't leave permanently, anyway. It seems to pop in between my horny neighbors' yard and my own, and probably some of the other neighbors yards as well. No matter what we seem to do to get rid of it, shy of blowing up the backyard, doesn't seem to work and since it's been mocking me the past two days, I'm even more determined to kill it.

We've been tearing down the pool we've had in the backyard for about the past ten years or so, a rather large dough-boy. It's gone through numerous liners which all seem to fail and allow grass to grow through, it's suffered through the Gopher tunneling under it, making some parts underneath the liner cave and sink. And It's suffered from greenness (lack of chemicals). It just got to the point where it was hard to keep up with the upkeep of it, especially since chemicals aren't cheap, so it was decided that we (as in me) tear it down. And the Gopher seems to enjoy mocking me while I carry out this mission.

Yesterday, while pulling pool parts onto the concrete so the lack of sun wouldn't kill the grass (or what's left of it), the gopher presented itself two feet away from me, nibbling on some grass. I lacked in hand killing tools, and as I reached for the area I heard it (with gloves on of course), it got away. I shoved a handful of poison in three of the holes nearby and when I went to put the poison away, one of them had been filled in by time I had returned. I hoped the poison would take effect.

Today, while filling in the area where the pool had been in, I came across a tunnel in our man-made hill which I was getting the dirt from. I continued on digging and filling up the pool area, when suddenly the Gophers little rodent head reared itself out of one side of the tunnel. Bye time the shovel had come down where its head had been, it was gone (and not in a dead way).

I am determined to kill it, but the poison doesn't seem to work. Trying to drown it doesn't seem to work. Weed killer doesn't seem to help. My dog is defective, he doesn't seem to help. And trying to shoot it doesn't seem to work either with the network of tunnels it hides in. I need explosives. Because it will die, one way or another.